Underneath the coolness of the summer fans and blanketed in the darkness of the mid-night, my eyes opened. The dark shadows of the room crowd over me like an audience waiting to hear such profound words tumble from my mouth.
The sick choking feeling in my gut warns me of what I must utter.
I don’t want to.
I struggle to cling to the solitary of my confession. It is mine. My crack in this clay jar of my life.
Remember…..I promise, You, God, to say yes.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Trying to drown out my own words with the calming hum of the night stand fan.
The covers strangle.
The minutes tick away from the red glow of the digital clock.
I don’t want to.
Please God, let me keep this one.
It is hard.
Remember….. You promised to say yes.
Too tired to argue.
I said yes.
My eyes closed and God showed me how.
This morning, I set the table with butter melting toast still warm, cool sweet blueberry smoothies, and with my heavy heart.
Children called to the table. Thumps of tired bodies clambered onto the kitchen chairs. Hands folded. Eyes shut. My dear son asked God to bless our day.
The sigh from my soul was too heavy to exhale.
Warm tears pooled at my eyes’ rims.
Please God give me the words. I don’t want to confess. But I said yes.
The large lump made it difficult to swallow. I’ve been hiding way too long. It had to surface. It had to be said. It was something I didn’t want to explore…… to confess.
“I have something to admit.” fell from my lips like pushing children in the playground line.
Six beautiful eyes stared at me. The concern. The worry. The love. Oh, how I have done the injustice.
A single secret under my tongue had to be set free.
My lips moved. Their eyes understood. They still loved me even with this selfish secret falling upon their ears.
My head fell from guilt and shame.
Silence deafening the room. They accepted and send looks of It’s-Alright towards me. Something so simple and so innocent became a secret. They learned of my selfishness. Yet, they understood.
With a smile, the subject changed.
My heavy heart lifted.
I knew I must admit.
To confess. To allow it to be public and no longer solitary.
The enemy defeated over toast and jam.