Must Admit

Underneath the coolness of the summer fans and blanketed in the darkness of the mid-night, my eyes opened.  The dark shadows of the room crowd over me like an audience waiting to hear such profound words tumble from my mouth.

The sick choking feeling in my gut warns me of what I must utter.

I don’t want to.

I struggle to cling to the solitary of my confession.  It is mine.  My crack in this clay jar of my life.

Remember…..I  promise, You,  God,  to say yes.

I squeeze my eyes shut.  Trying to drown out my own words with the calming hum of the night stand fan.

I toss.

I turn.

The covers strangle.

The minutes tick away from the red glow of the digital clock.

I don’t want to.

Please God, let me keep this one.

It is hard.

Remember….. You promised to say yes.

Too tired to argue.

I said yes.

My eyes closed and God showed me how.

This morning, I set the table with butter melting toast still warm, cool sweet blueberry smoothies, and with my heavy heart.

Children called to the table.  Thumps of tired bodies clambered onto the kitchen chairs.  Hands folded. Eyes shut.  My dear son asked God to bless our day.

The sigh from my soul was too heavy to exhale.

Warm tears pooled at my eyes’ rims.

Please God give me the words. I don’t want to confess.  But I said yes.

The large lump made it difficult to swallow.  I’ve been hiding way too long.  It had to surface.  It had to be said.  It was something I didn’t want to explore…… to confess.

“I have something to admit.” fell from my lips like pushing children in the playground line.

Six beautiful eyes stared at me.  The concern.  The worry.  The love.  Oh, how I have done the injustice.

A single secret under my tongue had to be set free.

My lips moved.  Their eyes understood.  They still loved me even with this selfish secret falling upon their ears.

My head fell from guilt and shame.

Silence deafening the room.  They accepted and send looks of It’s-Alright towards me.  Something so simple and so innocent became a secret.  They learned of my selfishness.  Yet, they understood.

With a smile, the subject changed.

My heavy heart lifted.

I knew I must admit.

To confess.  To allow it to be public and no longer solitary.

The enemy defeated over toast and jam.

God bless……

Knowledge is Power

I read last night 1 Corinthians 8.   I found something interesting……

When I taught, I had this poster on my wall.

I told my students the more they knew the further in life they would go.  I wanted them to become leaders in their communities and model citizens who earned respect.

Oh man, how I preached “Knowlege is power.”

Now in 1 Cor 8:1, I found “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”

I had to think about that one.

“Knowledge is power” isn’t bad.

Until

One becomes a “know it all.”

You know the type.  They seem to know. it. all.  Their attitude: arrogant.  They use knowledge to tear down.  They are all puffed up.

Paul is quick to point out that “love builds up.”  Those who are caring, loving, and compassionate build others up.  They pass along the warm fuzzy support many of us need to do this thing called life.  Their attitude: helpful.  They love their neighbor.

Maybe along side the “Knowledge is power” poster, I should have had this one….

So listen up all those precious former students of mine…..  I gave you knowledge to go far.  I hope you use your love to build lasting relationships, to reach others, and to touch the sky!

I hope you enjoy your Tuesday. Oh, by the way, I spent 3 hours wandering in a store waiting for my tire yesterday.  There isn’t a shelf in that store that I did not see!  Confused, click here to read yesterday’s post.

God bless…..

Encounter

Gotta buy a tire today.

Yuck.

Our van has “unique” tires.  They are never “in stock” and if we are lucky one tire will cost under $135.  Last time, I called a tire shop before going.  Was told the tire was in stock.  I drove 45 minutes to the place and waited alllllllllllll day.  I’m not kidding.  All day. For one tire.

Needless to say….. I’m not happy.  Because….. according to the internet the only place that has one tire in stock is that allllllllll day place.

UGH!!

As I sat here preparing to blog and complain, God tugged at my memory.  See, I may be complaining about the tire and all, but God just reminded me of how I learned I needed a new tire.

Friday, Mark just arrived home from work.  I was busy cooking when the doorbell rang.  A lady stood at my door.  She explained that she wasn’t stalking or anything but she followed our van.  There is a bulge in the back tire.  She wanted us to know before we drove it again.

We thanked her like crazy.

Thank almost never happens.

Believe God is at work don’t you.  So you see, I have no reason to complain.  I should be very thankful.

God bless……

A Gift

I received a gift the other night.  A very special gift that stirred strong emotions from within.  It began with curling up in my cozy bed and saying my nightly prayers.  I asked God to forgive, to heal, to mend, to hold, to love and to shower His grace.  Praises flowed from my heart.  At peace, I closed my eyes and dreamed.

The gift.

A dream.

A vivid dream like none other.  I could smell, taste, and feel the once familiar surroundings.  I found comfort in the the old homestead of my grandparents.  I took my kids on a tour.  Showed them every square inch of the house.  I turned on the window unit AC and showed them how to stand in front to let your hair blow away from your face.  I could smell the cold refrigerant.  I felt the cold blast on my face.

There was a bowl of peaches in the kitchen.  I felt the fuzz and breathed in the sweet aroma of Grandma’s peaches.  Grandma came home.  She looked like she did when I was child.  Her face shone with sheer delight to see us.  I could smell the snuff she once dipped.  And the palmolive fragrance of her hands made me want to hold on to them so tight.

I soaked in every moment.  It was the perfect homecoming.  She talked about how big my daughter had gotten.  She told a story on me…. biting into a peach off the tree and finding a worm.  My daughter squealed with delight.  I felt the heat of the embarrassing story on my cheeks.  I told the story of the peach tree splitting in half from the weight of all the fruit.

Then a special bonus to the gift….

Mom came into the kitchen.  She stood by the stove.  The old white gas burning stove that was the resting place for Grandma’s clear glass kettle.  I jumped to my feet.  I threw my arms around her.  I breathed in her Head n Shoulders shampoo scent.  I could feel her warmth and the love she felt.  It was a beautiful moment.

I ushered Mom over to my seat next to my girl.  They smiled as I was ordered by Grandma to find the sugar.  As I looked through the cabinets.  Mom and granddaughter laughed together with foreheads touching.  Just how grandmothers are supposed to……  angelic to watch.  Grandma caught me gazing and told me to hurry up with the sugar.  There it was the green Tupperware container with the golden etched flowers.

Praise God for that sweet sweet gift.

Enjoy your Thursday.  God bless……

 

Mushrooms

I found a mushroom growing in my yard.  It looked like a large brown potato lying there.  I looked around and suddenly became a kid again.

I kicked it.

It burst into a ba-zillion pieces.  Some flew upward.  Others scattered near the resting place.  I laughed out loud.  Something in me felt so young again.

Then I thought about what that mushroom had to go through just to be found by me and kicked to oblivion.

Guilt set in.

For just a moment’s fun, a beautiful piece of God’s artwork had to suffer.  It crushed for my selfish childhood minute in time.  Its pieces laid all over as evidence of a juvenile attempt for amusement.

That piece of God’s creation……reminds me of how I sometimes take for granted what Christ did for me.

He died for me.  His body broken for me.  He gave his life so that I could have everlasting life.  God’s creation….. beautiful creation…..suffered, laid crushed….for me.

In a moment, God became obtainable.  He became near all of His children.  And at times, my life doesn’t reflect that sacrifice He made.  I get caught up in the juvenile way of living.  Being like a selfish child wanting more and more.  I can forget Christ’s brokenness in a moment’s notice for amusement or for fun.  Why?

For I don’t know why….. anymore than how I can tell you why I wanted to kick that mushroom.

Now, I don’t feel like a kid anymore.

Hopefully, you are enjoying the rain today.  May God bless you…….