“Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight…..
I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight……”
I whispered while resting my head on the cool car passenger window. My heart cracked and leaked with sadness. My aging grandmother had fallen once again. Mom had already left me. Grandma was her replacement in my mind. I needed Grandma. Life questions jumbled my mind. The answers she had.
She looked frail in that hospital bed. Years of life and the death of her child had beaten her down. Her feeble body reflected the fragile state of my heart. I already had lost mom and a baby. My heart couldn’t take another loss.
I breathed those simple words to the lonely star up above. I felt like it understood my loneliness and yearning for a mother figure. We connected that star and I….
Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight……
My warm breath fogged the cold window. Sorrow filled words released.
I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight…….
Eyes brimmed. The thought bled my soul out.
Keep Grandma here….. Please don’t take her…….
A call would come. I would go. Then find my starry friend and wish as hard as I could. I couldn’t let her go.
God allowed it.
My leaky heart patched.
She cried out, “God, take me home.”
I whispered, “Star light…..”
I held on tight to that wish.
Mary Magdalene saw the risen Christ. Her first response was to grab Him. She had suffered the loss due to His death. Her heart leaked like mine. Can you imagine the joy when she saw Him standing there? Much like the joy I selfishly felt each time my grandmother recovered.
Jesus must have known how clingy us women can be. He told her not to hold on to him but to go tell the others.
Here is where we differ.
She didn’t hold on. She went and told.
I held on. I refused to let go. I wanted Grandma to stay here with me.
When we cling, we get stuck. Stuck on the amount of loss. Stuck on “Why me?” Stuck. Clinging on what we once had keeps us from growing and enjoying what we are given in the present.
I wish I had Mary’s strength to not cling. You know she had to want to. She could have easily clung to the past experiences with Christ. But she didn’t. She did what she was told. She went. She told. She lived in the present. She realized the future.
It wasn’t until I realized what my selfishness had done to Grandma…..it was then I began to loosen my grip. I stopped the wishing. I started praying for God to take her. Oh, my heart leaked. My soul grieved. But, Grandma lived….. not here on earth but in heaven.
Don’t hold on…..go and tell. God bless……