Now, I guess you might say I am a deep thinker.
Or an over-analyzing thinker.
Maybe I am just becoming more in tune to my thoughts.
Perhaps, I’ve learned to accept the fact that thoughts are just there ALL. THE. TIME.
Don’t feel like I’m in despair over this….. really I’m not.
Yes, I’ve blogged on this topic before (you’re probably thinking “Build a Bridge and Get Over It!”)
This morning over a nice talk with my accountability partner we were talking about the thoughts that make us disengage, discourage us, and even prevent us from battling our weight.
We both had an AHA moment even though we knew this sort of dysfunctional brain- thought pattern has always occurred. You know those “Don’t deserve”, “Can’t do this so why try?”, “I really don’t like myself”, “I’m unworthy” thoughts.
A year ago, those thoughts would have stopped me in my tracks and caused me to run back to the comfort foods. Today, with my friend, I discovered that I don’t turn into the eating machine that had no recollection nor regard of what I was consuming. Instead, I counter suit.
I either reroute my thoughts to something else. I’ll pray….. sometimes plea for mercy! Find something to do. Or just plain state out loud, “That is just a lie and I know it.” I’ve even screamed, “Go to Hell, Satan!” Boy did that feel great!
But here’s the key, a year ago, I would have done the same exact techniques then give in to the eating machine tendencies.
Education has been the factor that is different. I’ve discovered over the past 6 months in extensive research and proven to myself that sugar and artificial sweeteners cause me to want more and more and more.
Look at it this way, if an alcoholic kept booze around, chances are he/she will drink. Right? Makes sense.
I am a sugar and caffeine addict. I’ve gotten the temptation out of my sight. And I am going to be real honest here. Yes, I have done the Daniel Fast in the past. But I didn’t go to the extent nor as long as I have this time. Yes, I have given up meat and dairy before as well….. it didn’t last. And it wasn’t the meat or dairy that kept me from losing….. it was the sugar. So, I fell back into the thought patterns. Ahem, like……It is too expensive to eat healthy.
Now, I come back with….. yeah, at what cost?
I half way did a food diary. I didn’t write down the foods in the binge mainly because I didn’t know what I was consuming. And now, the switch that blinded me has been disconnected.
I have kept a pretty thorough diary for four months now. And I’ve gotten more and more honest about what I enter. Because, I am aware. And it has helped me recognize the effects sugar and caffeine has had on me. Irritability, irrational, grumpy, angry, tired, out of focus,….. oh the list can go on and on.
So this morning I broke the news to the kids…… No sugar. No caffeine. This will continue. I will add some chicken and fish to our diet but limited. I am going to continue with the fresh and with the philosophy of “If I can’t read and know all the ingredients on the label, it won’t be in my cart.”
Trust me, I don’t want to ever have to go through those withdrawals EVER AGAIN!
Yeah, I have thought about celebrating with a Pepsi but then I am reminded of the horrible feeling I had that Friday.
So, now, here’s the thing. I went through my blog posts from last year in January and February. It was the beginning of this journey. I was in despair and I really scared some friends and family with my raw honesty and perception of myself. Scared me too. Some things I have completely abandoned, some I failed, and well, there is one thing that has improved……
I am still taking it one day at a time and I don’t beat myself up as much. Talk about abuse! I mentally took a beating daily. Not so much now. Praise God. I am learning to talk about what I have done and not what I am going to do. I’ve learned that I will sabotage my efforts….. you know, setting myself up for failure then drowning myself in food.
But most of all….. I have learned to lean….. I mean really lean….. on God. His grace and love encourages me everyday. Yes, He loves me. Yes, He is rooting me on. Yes, He is there to pick me up, dust me off, and set me back on track. He placed a wonderful person to be my accountability partner. She understands me. Gets what I am saying. And she has lived it as well. She knows how hard it is and battles with the same things I do on a daily basis.
Thank God! I mean really, I am standing and shouting, “Praise be to You, Lord!” Without Him, I wouldn’t be here today a little lighter in weight and thought.
I am content…. with the idea of no sugar or caffeine…… with the daily walk…… with my efforts……
Oh, and thank you, for your prayers and your wonderful inspiring emails and posts. They mean the world to me.