Mrs. Delinski has a dirty secret…..
Those words hurt. I can’t believe the doctor thinks I’m Morbidly Obese. That describes The Biggest Loser contestants, not me….. I may get a little winded walking up a flight of stairs but I am active….. Morbidly Obese?? The truth is in those two words.
I get home. I have a couple of hours before picking up the kids. The label swims in my mind. I make the quick decision not to mention this to anyone. No one needs to know, plain and simple.
I throw my purse and keys on the table, flip through the mail, and just sigh. The heavy sigh holds the weight of today’s appointment. Maybe, I am obese….. Just thinking that brings tears to my eyes.
No wonder Derrick left me……. How can anyone love the morbidly obese? The kids…… Do they see me as some ugly slob? No….. they love me……
I shake my head hoping to shake the thoughts away like the scribbles on an Etch A Sketch. I want to eat. I try to push the urge to eat down deep.
I go into the living room and turn on the TV. There….. I will see what is happening on the Create Channel. I sit down on the couch and concentrate on the screen.
I think I’m hungry. Yep, my stomach just growled….. Man, I’m hungry…….
The convincing of hunger begins. I am not at all hungry. I am about to indulge in a daily practice that is a dirty secret. It is starting and I don’t have the power within me to stop it.
Hmmmm what do I want to eat? The contents of the refrigerator and pantry list in my mind. What do I want?? No, I don’t want this…… I don’t want to do this……. The struggle of right and wrong grows stronger and more evident. The label “Morbidly Obese” flashes in my mind. I can’t do this………
I know the right thing to do is to pray. Pray the urge away. I get down on my knees and plea with God to take feeling away. The answer comes quickly. I need to get out of the house before it is too late. Before I begin to consume my new label.
I get up but the weight of the day pulls me back down on the couch. I feel a little stronger and the flight feeling slips away. I can wait it out…… they say in 10 minutes urges fade away…..
Five minutes pass, 10 minutes creep by, and now I can enjoy the show. My stomach is growling…… I’m hungry….. I better eat a little something before I leave for school…. I don’t want to be hungry when the kids ask for a snack……I will be stronger if I am not hungry……
And with that, I get up and head for the kitchen.
My dear family and friends,
Please understand this character is fictional. I know it reads as if I am telling the story. In some ways, the character struggles with overeating just as I have. Today’s passage is based on the battle a binge eater faces each day.
Since November, my binging war has been slowly conquered one battle at a time. Yes, I still have days when I am plagued with the thoughts that trigger the binge. And sometimes, it overcomes and I find myself powerless. I don’t want to live under the ugliness of this addiction.
And, I ask that you keep in mind that this portrayal is fictional. Mark and I are still together. My blood pressure is fine. No need to worry.
However, I will never be free of my addiction. I am just like an alcoholic or a former drug addict. It takes one day at a time and the grace of God to carry on without the binge.
After tomorrow, I hope you will understand binge eating as Mrs. Delinski consumes her new label.