The Breaking Free Bible study has opened my eyes to many things over the last few weeks. I have had to literally sit, pray, and really take a long hard look at the scenarios that have become woefully as well as joyfully known as my life. Recently, I reached deep into my soul to search for the source of all the pain and anger. I discovered it..really didn’t like what I found… the center of it all [oh how I wanted to point a finger]…I found the source… and it was ME. I have kept the anger and pain churning within my soul. I added the fuel in order to keep it burning. And I had to realize I could not longer blame anyone, but me, for hanging onto this yucky, gross pain and anger.
As hard as it was going to be, I knew it was time to walk away from it permanently. The amount of time I have wasted really bothered and discouraged me. AND if you have been following my blog long enough, you would know that I have said this COUNT..LESS times..[but to let you into a little secret] I have harbored the pain and anger. [I know disgusting, isn’t it]
But, Beth, (Beth Moore) showed me something last night. and now I am truly embarrassed by my behavior. I am quite ashamed to admit that I have clenched my teeth into this pain and anger for so long… She shared with us the idea of God narrowing our paths. I had to really cultivate this one over and over again in my mind only to realize if you look at my life’s scenarios the path has narrowed over the years.
Allow some elaboration here…
Graduating college, I became a career woman as a teacher. I had though it was my destiny. Wanna know why?? When I was a senior in high school. I had a wonderful English teacher. She was strict and demanded a lot from her students. On career day, she asked us to share our dream careers. I proudly announced, “A Writer.” The look on her face said enough. She pulled me aside and very matter-of-factly explained that I would be better off as an English teacher than a writer.. because, “Those who can’t, teach.” I was crushed. All I ever imagined myself doing was writing. So, licking my wounds, I started down the educational tract. Honorably, I never imagined ever being something other than a teacher.. just like my mother.
So, as an English teacher, I spent 11 very long years trying to be the best. All the while, I was hoping to write. I encouraged the kids to write and to tap into their creativity. Again, all the while, I wished I would do the same. After the 11th year, I left the teaching field. There isn’t enough prozac in the world to have kept me teaching. The No Child Left Behind Act [or as I like to call it, “No Teacher Left Standing Act”] burned me out. And being a Children’s Minister was like fitting a square beg into a round hole. It didn’t fit.
Defeated and deflated, I began a blog. It was my way to coping. I was determined to make a go at something. I had given up two careers and well… scrubbing our toilets isn’t my thing for a daily life. Of course, God had let me in on a secret by this time as well. He wanted me to speak and to motivate. Having no clue as to how that was going to work, I kept on blogging and writing. I had made a commitment to it but hey. I didn’t have the best track record for keeping a career.. AND I lacked the motivation to take off running. OR at least that it what I thought.
Last night in the weee hours, I woke up and had one of “those” moments. It has been God’s plan all along. He has been narrowing my path. I have really learned what it means to study His word and I am beginning to speak at banquets. For the last two years, I have been what I thought was “dragging my feet,” but, in reality, I was getting prepared. I had taken a little vacation.. okay, 2 years worth. Now, I am refreshed and ready to serve Him without ANY doubt. [sure hope Satan is listening] All the pain, anger, and the gunk I have had to wade through to mold me into writing and into speaking wasn’t wasted time after all. God was just narrowing my path as I gained insight and some Bible wisdom.