Tag Archives: loss

Don't Hold On

“Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight…..

I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight……”

I whispered while resting my head on the cool car passenger window.  My heart cracked and leaked with sadness.  My aging grandmother had fallen once again.  Mom had already left me.  Grandma was her replacement in my mind.  I needed Grandma.  Life questions jumbled my mind.  The answers she had.

She looked frail in that hospital bed.  Years of life and the death of her child had beaten her down.  Her feeble body reflected the fragile state of my heart.  I already had lost mom and a baby.  My heart couldn’t take another loss.

I breathed those simple words to the lonely star up above.  I felt like it understood my loneliness and yearning for a mother figure.  We connected that star and I….

Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight……

My warm breath fogged the cold window.  Sorrow filled words released.

I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight…….

Eyes brimmed.  The thought bled my soul out.

Keep Grandma here….. Please don’t take her…….

A call would come.  I would go.  Then find my starry friend and wish as hard as I could.  I couldn’t let her go.

Selfish.

God allowed it.

Grandma suffered.

My leaky heart patched.

Selfish.

She cried out, “God, take me home.”

I whispered, “Star light…..”

I held on tight to that wish.

*****

Mary Magdalene saw the risen Christ.  Her first response was to grab Him.  She had suffered the loss due to His death.  Her heart leaked like mine.  Can you imagine the joy when she saw Him standing there?  Much like the joy I selfishly felt each time my grandmother recovered.

Jesus must have known how clingy us women can be.  He told her not to hold on to him but to go tell the others.

Here is where we differ.

She didn’t hold on.  She went and told.

I held on.  I refused to let go.  I wanted Grandma to stay here with me.

When we cling, we get stuck.  Stuck on the amount of loss.  Stuck on “Why me?”  Stuck.  Clinging on what we once had keeps us from growing and enjoying what we are given in the present.

I wish I had Mary’s strength to not cling.  You know she had to want to.  She could have easily clung to the past experiences with Christ.  But she didn’t.  She did what she was told.  She went.  She told.  She lived in the present.  She realized the future.

It wasn’t until I realized what my selfishness had done to Grandma…..it was then I  began to loosen my grip.  I stopped the wishing.  I started praying for God to take her.  Oh, my heart leaked.  My soul grieved.  But, Grandma lived….. not here on earth but in heaven.

Don’t hold on…..go and tell.  God bless……

Giving It All

I am feeling much better today..thank you for all of your prayers.

God is so amazing!  He never fails to show me something new every time I hear a Bible truth.  Last night, at my church’s women’s group, the focal “woman of the Bible” was Hannah.  She is found in 1 Samuel.  Her story fell upon my heart.  I knew of Hannah but God enlightened me and urged me to pull out the Bible this morning and read.

Hannah was one of two wives of Elkanah.  Elkanah loved Hannah dearly.  She was barren.  The other wife, Peninnah, had children and she loved letting Hannah know about it.  Peninnah must have had a way with words because she taunted Hannah to the point of depression.  Hannah wept, didn’t eat and her face was downhearted.  Doesn’t that just make you want to let Peninnah have it???  Hannah was more godly than I.. she did the right thing… she went to the Lord and prayed her heart out.  But, here’s the thing.. when she was done, it was over.  She didn’t continue to feel the same way.. tormented and depressed.  She felt better and at peace.  Therefore, left behind all that burden.

Ahem…how many times have I picked the burden right back up..

Reading this story caused me to think about all the loss I have endured over the years.  Yesterday, while organizing and trying to find a home for a keepsake, I ran across the baby book of my second pregnancy.   I opened it and began to read the message I was writing to my unborn child.  Words of hope, excitement, and love spilled out from those pages.  Obviously, the thrill of a second child poured from my soul.  Sadly, that is where the book ends.  I miscarried in the 16th week of pregnancy.  I was past the supposed danger point.  My heart shattered at the loss.  My heart grew heavy that very moment and I closed the book, placed back in its home, and wiped a few tears away.

My rival, the evil one, taunted me and tortured me over that loss just as Peninnah did Hannah.  At first it was the “you did something wrong” feeling that irritated me.  Then over the course of the next few months, my rival had me depressed and weeping.  Oh, he has done this with every loss.  I should have taken that picture with mom. I never realized it would be the last one.. I should have never prayed to keep grandma here.  She suffered because of my selfishness..  If I had done things differently, better even, I could have been the children’s minister.. All the weight of those thoughts made me downhearted.

When Hannah couldn’t bear the burden anymore, she prayed from her heart and soul.  She prayed for a son.  She even promised God to give the son over to Him.  God granted the answer to her prayer.  And in return, she kept her promise.

((Sigh))  I remember praying for peace over and over again.  I had such an empty hole inside of me after each loss.  I tried filling it and without success, I would fall to me knees again, overloaded and downhearted.  My mom, grandmothers, grandfathers, my unborn child… they weren’t mine to keep.  Just like Samuel was for Hannah.  I should have let go of the loss a long time ago.  Hannah saw her son once a year to deliver a garment she made for him.  But she never regretted following through on her promise to God.  She was never downhearted again and she praised God.  I can revisit the memories and enjoy them.  I should never fall prey to the evil one’s taunting and become downhearted.  I should cherish those memories and praise God for them.

Most importantly, I have over time learned to leave those burdens at Jesus’ feet.  Yeah, I admit, every once in a a while, I pick one up only to give it back, quickly.  I just have to remember, “it’s not mine, anymore.”

Enjoy your Tuesday… God bless…